By Loved & Found
Have you ever felt like the rules didn’t apply equally to everyone? Like the world handed you one script to follow—be good, stay quiet, play small—while others got a free pass to break those same rules without a second glance?
I have. And let me tell you, it’s a gut punch every time.
Growing up, I was caught in a web of double standards that left me questioning everything—my worth, my voice, even my right to feel what I felt. One day, I’d be praised for keeping the peace, and the next, I’d be criticized for not speaking up when it mattered. I’d watch friends get applauded for chasing their dreams, while I was told to “wait my turn” or “stop being selfish” for wanting the same.
It wasn’t just unfair—it was emotionally exhausting. A rollercoaster of confusion that made me wonder: What’s wrong with me? Why is it okay for them, but not for me?
I remember sitting in a high school classroom, listening to a teacher preach about honesty. “Always tell the truth,” she’d say, her voice firm and unwavering. Yet later that week, I overheard her bending the truth to dodge a parent’s complaint. When I tried calling out a friend for canceling plans last-minute with a flimsy excuse, I was labeled dramatic. But when she did it to someone else? Everyone shrugged it off.
The mixed signals piled up. Be bold, but not too bold. Be yourself, but only the version they approve of. Love freely, but only when it fits their mold.
It was like living in a house with invisible walls—every time I thought I’d found a door, it slammed shut.
The Emotional Toll of Double Standards
Double standards don’t just sting in the moment—they sink deep into your bones. They twist your sense of self until you’re not sure what’s real anymore. For me, it felt like love came with a catch. Approval was a moving target I could never hit. And freedom? That was a privilege I had to earn, while others seemed to inherit it effortlessly.
I’d stay up at night replaying conversations, dissecting every word, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Why was I held to a higher standard—or sometimes, no standard at all? Why did my mistakes get magnified under a microscope, while others’ were brushed off like dust?
The worst part? I stopped trusting myself. I’d second-guess every decision, every emotion. If the rules kept changing, how could I ever know what was right?
The Breaking Point
It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I hit a wall. I’d spent years bending over backwards to meet expectations that shifted like sand. I’d silenced my dreams, dimmed my light, and shrunk myself to fit into someone else’s box—all because I’d been taught that love and acceptance depended on it.
Then one day, it clicked. I was at a friend’s wedding, watching people cheer her on as she boldly quit her job to travel the world. She’d always been the “wild one,” and everyone adored her for it. Meanwhile, I’d hinted at wanting to switch careers, and the response was a chorus of “Be practical” and “Don’t rock the boat.”
That night, I sat alone in my car, tears streaming down my face. Why is it okay for her, but not for me? The question burned in my chest, louder than ever. And for the first time, I didn’t shove it down. I let it breathe.
That was the moment I decided I was done letting double standards define me.
Healing from Emotional Confusion: Steps to Find Your Truth
If you’ve ever felt trapped by double standards—whether from family, friends, society, or even yourself—know this: you’re not alone. The emotional confusion they create is real, but so is your power to break free. Here’s how I started healing, and how you can too.
1. Name the Double Standards
The first step is calling it what it is. Write it down if you have to. For me, it was things like: “They can take risks, but I can’t.” “They can speak their mind, but I get shut down.” Seeing it on paper made it less abstract—and less personal. It wasn’t about me being “wrong”; it was about a system that wasn’t fair.
2. Stop Seeking Permission
This one’s hard, but it’s a game-changer. I used to wait for someone to greenlight my choices—my career pivot, my hobbies, even my boundaries. But the truth is, no one’s coming to hand you a permission slip. You have to claim it for yourself. Start small: say no to something you’d normally agree to, just to please someone else. Watch how freeing it feels.
3. Trust Your Inner Voice
Double standards erode your confidence, but it’s still there, buried under the noise. I started journaling to reconnect with mine. I’d ask myself: What do I want? What feels true to me? At first, the answers were fuzzy. But over time, they got louder. Your voice is your compass—tune into it.
4. Set Your Own Standards
Here’s the beauty of breaking free: you get to decide what matters. For me, that meant valuing authenticity over perfection, courage over comfort. I stopped measuring myself against someone else’s yardstick and built my own. What do you want your life to stand for?
5. Surround Yourself with Truth-Tellers
Healing from double standards is easier when you’re not surrounded by people who enforce them. I sought out friends who celebrated my quirks, not just my compliance. They didn’t cheer me on because I followed their rules—they loved me for being me. Find your people. They’re out there.
The Clarity on the Other Side
Today, I’m not the same person who sat in that car, crying over a life that didn’t feel like mine. I’ve traded emotional confusion for something better: clarity. It’s not perfect—I still catch myself slipping into old patterns sometimes—but I’m learning to trust my truth, even when it scares me.
I’ve launched that career I always wanted. I’ve said no to things that don’t align with me, without guilt. I’ve stopped apologizing for taking up space. And most importantly, I’ve realized that love—real love—doesn’t come with a rulebook full of double standards. It’s unconditional, or it’s not love at all.
You’re Allowed to Rewrite the Rules
If you’re reading this and nodding along, feeling that familiar ache of being torn between two worlds, I see you. I’ve been there. Maybe you grew up with unspoken rules that never made sense. Maybe you’ve watched others get a free pass while you’re stuck proving yourself. Maybe you’re just tired of the emotional whiplash.
Here’s what I want you to know: you’re not too late to come home to yourself. Overcoming double standards in life isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about reclaiming the future. You don’t have to stay confused, numb, or lost. You can heal. You can grow. You can find peace in your own truth.
Start today. Ask yourself one question: What’s one double standard I’m ready to let go of? Let that be your first step.
This is my journey—from a life shadowed by double standards to a place where I’m finally Loved & Found. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. And if I can do it, so can you.
